Ask Dr. Sharon

Dear Dr. Sharon, My baby cries a lot.  She is healthy and I do everything I can to soothe her, but I feel so terrible that she cries so much.  Also, I feel like everyone looks at us if we are out in public and she starts to cry.  Do you have any advice? 

You are not alone!  Persistent crying in an infant in an infant can be stressful, especially for new parents.  It is important that parents remember that crying is a way for a baby to express his or needs and feelings- it’s their only method of communication until they learn to talk.  Usually crying is an expression of a baby’s need, such as the need to have a diaper changed, to be fed or to sleep.  Crying can also indicate that a baby is over-stimulated or distressed by their environment. 

Sometimes, however, babies have extended periods of crying on a regular basis.  This could indicate that the baby has colic.  If your baby’s cries are very intense and accompanied by fever, vomiting, diarrhea or other physical ailments, seek medical attention immediately.  If your infant cries regularly or for extended periods of time, or if the cries sound distressed, be sure to visit the pediatrician to eliminate other physical causes.

Parents often feel anxiety themselves when their baby cries in public.  The anxiety felt by the parents can often be sensed by the infant, which can cause more tension.  So parents should try to relax and understand that a crying baby is not uncommon. The crying will stop.  Don’t let other people make you feel uncomfortable. If you’re in an unfamiliar environment, take the infant out of the situation that may be irritating them (e.g. bright lights of supermarket, noisy restaurant etc.) 

If you’re in public and your baby starts to cry, assess the situation to see what the best thing to do is.  If you’re at a fancy restaurant or a wedding, for example, the best thing to do may be to walk out of the room until the baby stops crying.  However, if you are at an everyday kid-friendly venue and are still getting dirty looks or hearing snide comments from others, there are things you can do.  As far as dirty looks go, most people find that ignoring them is the best course of action.  If someone goes so far as to confront you, you can feel free to say “I’m sorry for the disturbance. I’m doing the best I can- babies cry, it’s a fact of life. 

I know it’s difficult, but remember that crying is a way for infants to let off steam. If babies didn’t cry, then it would be a cause for concern.  Babies communicate through crying- they show their physical or emotional distress the way. Believe it or not, crying is a positive sign that a child is able to communicate.  Nonetheless, crying, especially excessive crying, can weigh on any parent’s nerves.  Here are few tips for parents to remember:

• A baby’s crying is more stressful for you than it is for them.
• Be sure to take time for yourself.  Especially for parents who have a colicy baby, it is important to get a break.  Ask your spouse, a parent, a babysitter to watch the baby for an hour or so a day. During that time, do something relaxing- take a bath, take a jog, read a book in the park.  Relax your body and mind. 
• Practice breathing exercises.  If you find yourself in a public place and stressed out, remember that it is important for you to remain calm, since your baby can sense your anxiety.  Breathe in and out slowly, being aware of your breaths.  Envision yourself in a relaxing situation (e.g. on the beach, in the bathtub) and just remind yourself that crying is normal.  All babies cry. 
• Take time as a couple to rekindle the flame.  Just because you have a new baby, it doesn’t mean you have to give up your relationship with your spouse.  Find a babysitter, or wait until the baby is sleeping; have a romantic dinner and spend some quality alone time with your spouse.  No baby talk- just adult time! 
   
  The following are some other tips for soothing crying babies:
• Hold your baby (often simply holding the baby will make him happy)
• Rock the baby in your arms.  Babies like motion and it often helps to put them to sleep. 
• Swaddle the baby.  Swaddling in a blanket or a special swaddling cloth is often very soothing to babies.  It gives them that enclosed feeling of being in the womb. 
• Take the baby for a car ride.  Strap him in his car seat and put on some soft music. Most likely, your baby will fall asleep within minutes.  Babies love gentle motion.  These car rides can also be a good time for you and your spouse to re-connect and have good conversations. 
• Take a walk outside.  Slings work great- babies love them and they cause less strain on your back.  The exercise and being outdoors will also do wonders for your stress level. 

If your baby has stomach or gas issues, as many babies do, gently massage her back and tummy.  Some gentle rubbing and patting can do wonders for a cranky baby with a tummy ache.

Within a week or two, children should become more comfortable with their new caregiver.

Email your questions to askdoctorsharon@yahoo.com

Sharon Fried Buchalter, Ph.D. is a distinguished clinical psychologist, marriage/family therapist, relationship expert and author.  Dr. Sharon has developed revolutionary tools to help couples, parents and families achieve happiness and success. Dr. Sharon has a doctorate in clinical psychology from Columbia University and has advanced training in child and adolescent psychology.   She is the author of ‘Children Are People Too’ and ‘New Parents Are People Too,’ both available online and in bookstores nationwide.  Dr. Sharon has been featured as an expert psychologist in major magazines and on news programs and talk shows, such as Glenn Beck and Montel Williams.