Ask Dr. Sharon

Dear Readers, If there’s one skill that I would advise everyone reading this to constantly work on in both themselves and in their children, it is communication. Good communication skills are essential in order for people to develop confidence, feelings of self-worth and positive relationships with others. Working with so many parents and children, the complaint I often hear from both children and their parents is that the other person doesn’t listen to them. So, today I’d like give you some tips on how parents can improve their communication with their children. The following are some helpful guidelines that can lead you in the right direction.

• Respect children and use a courteous tone of voice. If you talk to your children as you would your friends, your children may be more likely to seek you out when they need to talk to someone.
• Look your children in the eyes so you can tell how they are feeling and whether they are understanding what you are telling them.
• Get at the same height level as your children, by bending or sitting down. This makes you seem less “overpowering” and more on their level.
• Remind your children that you love them. Children are never too old to be told they are loved. Say it often, and consider writing it in a note, which provides them with a reminder that they can hold on to.
• Speak in a quiet voice. Sometimes whispering helps because it forces children to really listen.
• Give your undivided attention when your children talk to you. Don't multi-task.
• Gently touch a child before you talk; try saying their name as well. This allows you to capture their attention.
• Use door openers that invite your children to express their feelings more, such as, "I see," "tell me more," "No kidding," "Really," etc. Repeat what they say by paraphrasing, so they know you’re listening.
• Practice talking with your family about different things, such as what you’ve seen on TV, what’s going on at school or work, etc. The more conversation you have, the easier it will be for your children to open up to you when they need you.
• Praise your children as often as possible- especially when they practice good communication skills. This will reinforce the positive behavior. Unkind words tear children down and show them that they just aren't good enough, while praise builds children’s confidence and reinforces communication.
• Practice these communication skills with your children often.
  

Email your questions to askdoctorsharon@yahoo.com

Sharon Fried Buchalter, Ph.D., is a distinguished clinical psychologist, family/marriage therapist, relationship expert and author.