Ask Dr. Sharon

Dear Doctor Sharon,
I enjoy reading you column so much and thought I should reach out to you for some insight or advice regarding my 15-year-old son. Ever since he was a toddler he has lied when confronted with questions regarding his behavior. I remember a time when he was in the 4th grade and I my gold bracelet could not be found; looked for it for days. When I asked him and questioned him about it, he swore he did not know anything, I knew he had the bracelet somewhere, so I took him to the police station and threatened him with a lie detector test and he finally admitted he had taken the bracelet and returned it to me. Now that he is a teenager he still lies about homework, eating and experimenting with cigarettes. I am a single father and have had sincere talks with him explaining the danger of lies and the importance of being trusted. I have purchased literature for him to read but nothing seems to help. Do you have any suggestions in breaking a cycle of Lies? Thank You, Concerned Dad

Dear Concerned Dad,

Thank you for your email. I'm truly glad that you enjoy reading my column and I'm pleased that you reached out for my assistance.

The first piece of advice I would give you is to sit down with your son and talk to him about doing the right thing. You should do this not right after an incident, but when you are both calm and thinking clearly. When you sit with your son, both of you should come up with ways that your son can correct his problem. Write down these ideas, because when we write things down, we are more likely to follow through. Your son needs to be responsible for his actions. To say that a problem doesn't exist is not acceptable. He must fess up to inability to be truthful. Once he does that, you both can then work on ways to solve the problem together. First and foremost though, make denial unacceptable.

As his father, you should make sure you are supporting your son, but also let him know that he has a problem. Assure him that you will be there to help him, but that means coming up with solutions together.

If, after working with your son, he continues to deny that he has a problem, consider seeking professional help. In some instances, lying and stealing can be considered sociopathic behavior, which could lead to major problems as children get older. Also, find out if your son has an issue with lying in other areas of his life, such as with his friends, at school, etc. Have his teachers told you that he lies? If so, this is an indication that professional help may be needed.

Whatever plans you and your son come up with, be sure to have a follow-up discussions. A good idea is to have your son sign an agreement with you. If he breaks the agreement and lies, you must then take the next steps towards seeking help.

Make sure your son knows that you know there's a problem, but that you want to be able to trust him again and work together as a team. The only way that can happen is to come up with viable solutions together.

Best of luck to you.

Dr. Sharon

Email your questions to askdoctorsharon@yahoo.com

Sharon Fried Buchalter, Ph.D., is a distinguished clinical psychologist, family/marriage therapist, relationship expert and author.